I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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