i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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