i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
