I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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