being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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