What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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