The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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