So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
