I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
