I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
