I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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