Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
