im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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