if i can run in heels then i can drive
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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