Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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