Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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