Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
