the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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