In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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