i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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