Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
