I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
