At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
