ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
