just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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