guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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