I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
