GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
NoShamevember. You game?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
