oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
