put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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