i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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