On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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