I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
