i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
