He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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