god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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