we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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