i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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