i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
