I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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