So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
They took my balls.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
