I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
