When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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