so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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