i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
