my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
