The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The air taste purple.
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