we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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