How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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