Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
