wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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