WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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