Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
