dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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