We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
