Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
