someone threw a dead crab at me
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
