When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
