i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
