I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
