I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
