You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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